solegraphy :: like calligraphy, only better

While riding in a taxi yesterday, my driver was offering profuse flattery about my Korean language acquisition that I was eagerly drinking in.

Driver: “You speak Korean! How long you live here?”

Me: “Umm, almost four months.”

Driver: “I just met someone here from New Jersey who live here four months too, but couldn’t speak Korean. I just pretend I didn’t speak English. But you! You speak Korean! You said ‘yes’ correctly!”

Me (thinking): Apparently it takes four months to learn how to say ‘yes’ correctly.

Most of the things that come with being an expatiate become even more humorous if you imagine the same thing occurring in your home country. I have heard it said, “if you live in America, speak English.” Easier said than done.

This is certainly true of my Korean skills.

I have been having problems with the plumbing in my bathroom for a few months now in regards to water pressure. The water pressure is nonexistent when I turn it to hot, but stays unmercifully high pressured only when the water is frigid cold. Friday night in the middle of dinner, our landlord- an elderly Korean woman- and a plumber stopped by to attempt to fix the problem. I will give two scenarios: one occurring in Korea, the other occurring in an English speaking country.

Scene 1: Korea

Landlady: (Walks into my bathroom) *Lots of babbling in Korean and gesturing at the shower.

Me (in Korean): “…….water….no..”

Landlady: *Talks to the plumber, they turn on the shower. More babbling in Korean.

Me (in Korean): “……. (turns water to hot where the water is nonexistant) …water….no….”

Landlady: “Ahhhh!” (Walks over to the room/water heater and gestures at it repeatedly) *More babbling in Korean. Miming shivering and being hot. Moves the dial and continues babbling and miming.

Me (in Korean): “…….. yes?”

Landlady: (Wanders around the house checking the hot water in each sink to show me how to get the hot water on.) *More babbling in Korean.

Me (in Korean): “Here, yes. There, no.”

Landlady: (Smiles, leads me over to the heater again, gestures wildly again with more miming. Grins again and leaves.)

Me (in English): (sighs) “Crap, so much for taking showers.”

Scene 2: Somewhere familiar

Landlady: (Walks into my bathroom) “I heard there was a problem with your shower. What seems to be the problem?”

Me: (Blank stare) “…….water….no..”

Landlady: (Turns to the plumber, they turn on the shower.) “It seems to be fine to me. If I continue talking to her, do you think she will keep giving me the vacant stare?”

Me: (raised eyebrow and blank look)”……. (turns water to hot) …water….no….”

Landlady: “Aha! (Walks over to the room/water heater) You have no hot water! This is the water heater. Turn it this way and the water is cold (mimes shivering), turn it this way and the water turns hot (mimes sweating).”

Me: (smiles vacantly)”…….. yes?”

Landlady: (Wanders around the house checking the hot water in each sink to show me how to get the hot water on.) “Here, look! Now the hot water is working! You silly things have been showering in frigid water. Once you fix it is fine!”

Me: (Gestures wildly) “Here, yes. There, no.”

Landlady: (Smiles, leads me over to the heater again) “Well, now it will be fixed since you know how to turn on the water heater. Remember this way for cold (shivers), this way for hot (feigns sweating). Good luck you silly thing.”

Me: (sighs) *Rambles in another language.

And such is the life of an expatriate. Pity us, we are a pathetic bunch.